


00:00

by mkhhhx



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, In a way, M/M, Open Relationships, Past Relationship(s), Phone Calls & Telephones, References to Depression, Repressed Memories, There is no abuse tho, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 12:40:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18828859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mkhhhx/pseuds/mkhhhx
Summary: Night after night, the loneliness creeps in. And for once, Kihyun needs some comfort.





	00:00

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a weird work, but at the same time very personal for me, and that's why I'm a little afraid of the way the characters will be interpreted. So thoughts will be greatly appreciated.

Kihyun has been aimlessly wandering around the house for hours. There’s soft music and occasional chatter coming from the radio and the fire at the fireplace is burning low, the room almost freezing cold by now. He looks up, at the wide windows, rain whipping them and the air howling outside. He knows sleep won’t come easily tonight as well.

The wooden clock above the television is almost striking midnight and Kihyun feels the loneliness creeping in.  He doesn’t remember what or when he last ate, but he definitely had something for lunch, definitely. Hoseok’s voice echoes in his head, “take care of yourself, as good as you take of others!”.

It’s been a little more than three months already and he misses Hoseok, he misses him so, so much.

He considers calling him, but he has tried so many times already. Hoseok’s phone is always off, save for the nights Hoseok manages to call him from some exotic, faraway place and the bill is absurd, but well worth it.

Kihyun stares at the framed photo of them, taken at their honeymoon. Hoseok’s smile lights up the whole room and Kihyun falls in love with him all over again.

But still, he’s so lonely. The mansion doesn’t feel like home anymore, with one side of the bed cold and Hoseok’s bubbly laugh not echoing around the walls and the high ceiling. He reasons with himself, he just has to wait another full month and some days. And then Hoseok will be back.

Kihyun doesn’t know for how long, but his husband being back is enough. Hoseok’s presence was always soothing for him. The little, everyday things. Eating together, cuddling on the couch to watch television, making love and waking up to go for jogging.

Kihyun knows it’s not right, but he feels like he’s half a person when he’s all by himself. He wakes up too early in the morning but there’s only one pair of shoes by the door, so he decides to stay inside. He loses his appetite midway through eating and keeps the leftovers for a person that’s away. He married the love of his life only to be miserable for more than half the year.

In a story similar to Persephone’s, all the nights Hoseok is away feel like this one. Cold, unwelcoming, loud. Like an endless winter, until the next time Hoseok passes by their door and brings spring with him.

Kihyun sometimes catches himself wondering if it was worth it, binding themselves to each other. He shakes the thoughts away, because he knows that’s the way he was supposed to be, they are supposed to be, although there’s that little part in him that still rebels.

That little part that misses Changkyun on nights like this.

He sits on the big, comfortable armchair. The one that both Hoseok and Kihyun himself know too well. It feels almost empty with just his scrawny figure on it.

The phone is on a table right next to him, half an arm’s reach for Kihyun, so easily accessible.

He knows he’s gonna regret everything the next morning, but in the mist of all his past wrong decisions he might as well make this one too.

If anything, it’s partly Hoseok’s fault, for letting him too loose. Because Kihyun would have never even think of calling another man, wouldn’t allow himself to think of anyone else than his husband if Hoseok didn’t turn to him the first time before he left and said “I know I’ll be out of the house a lot. So if you want, this relationship can be open for both ends. You are the love of my life, but people get lonely, right? I don’t want you to get lonely, my love.”

And like the love-struck fool he was, Kihyun had nodded. Had let Hoseok leave, this and all the times after that. And he never knew what Hoseok was doing, but he, himself remained loyal. Remained loyal to a man that missed him as much as he was enjoying himself every time they reached a new port. And Kihyun hated to think of it, but he never blamed Hoseok, he never felt jealous. He just waited.

But tonight, it has gotten unbearable. And Kihyun craves to be touched, or at least be at the receiving end of a few soft-spoken words.

There’s only one person to turn to, a person that has every right to hung up the phone from the very first moment he hears Kihyun’s voice.

Kihyun had blocked Changkyun’s number on his cellphone years ago, but he still remembers it, digit by digit. He presses the numbers slowly on the old phone next to the armchair, the wire a tangled mess.

 

Kihyun counts his breathes, from the moment the speaker starts ringing, with an awful, high pitched sound, to the second the ringing stops, a deep voice answering from the other end.

 

_Hello?_

 

Kihyun feels a lump in his throat, a couple tears at the sides of his eyes.

 

_Changkyun._

Saying out the name feels unfamiliar. It must have been years, a decade, even, since he last muttered it out loud.

 

_Kihyun?_

 

There’s surprise in his voice, and something else, something Kihyun has heard before but he cannot pinpoint. It could be anger, rightfully, it could be lodging. Kihyun swallows loudly. He didn’t expect Changkyun to have the same number, didn’t expect him to pick up in the middle of the night, as much as he hoped he would.

 

_Hyung, are you alright?_

_Yeah, yeah, yes. I’m good. How are you, Changkyun?_

 

Every time the name rolls off Kihyun’s tongue more memories flood in. Changkyun’s smile and his soft hands, rebelliously painted nails and bleached hair. His eyebrow piercing and his third hand guitar. Making love on an open grassy field and making out at the walls of greasy bars. All those things Kihyun pushed himself to forget over time.

 

_I am well, hyung. I’m very well._

_How’s life?_

_It’s good, I’m finishing my doctorate soon. What are you doing?_

 

What is he doing? Kihyun himself doesn’t know. Waiting for his husband to come home. Slowly becoming a hollow body of what he was before. Changkyun knew how to enjoy life. He was a troublemaker, he liked breaking the rules and he liked expressing his emotions loud and clear.

That’s why Kihyun loved him. He loved him so much before he started loving Hoseok too. And he knew he couldn’t have the both of them, so he had to decide. And there are nights he curls up on his big bed wondering if there would be another way he could have made everything work out, a better way.

 

_I’m just, you know, not doing much._

_How’s Hoseok?_

Changkyun’s voice is one of genuine interest. And he was never the one to get jealous, neither to get upset when he knew he had lost the battle. He had raised his voice at Kihyun so many times, but not when they broke up, not that time because he knew Kihyun had made up his mind already and he wouldn’t change it.

 

_He’s doing great, he’s traveling right now._

_Oh._

 

Changkyun knows, he certainly knows why Kihyun called him now. “A navy officer, seriously Kihyun?” Changkyun had said the first time Kihyun mentioned that something was clicking with Hoseok. “Kihyun, he’s not the one for you.” And they fought so much about it, about how Hoseok had such good intentions but his lifestyle would leave Kihyun alone more often than not. Changkyun, more than anyone else knew how self-destructive Kihyun could get.

 

_I miss you, hyung._

Kihyun can hear Changkyun’s breathing and he can hear his own breathing too. He remembers all of the times Changkyun would take it away, kiss him breathless and leave him asking for more and more. They were too young, naïve even, with too much energy to spare and too much love to give. And they kept giving, giving and giving until Hoseok was there too, ready to take care of Kihyun and his load.

And Changkyun and Kihyun were kids still, at their last year of college, no family wanting them back and owning nothing more than their mattress on the floor, stray pieces of furniture and pieces of each other’s hearts.

Hoseok wasn’t much older, not at all, really, but to Kihyun’s eyes he was. A navy officer on the making, with so much affection and adoration and money to spend on Kihyun. And suddenly Changkyun, with his beat down guitar and his homemade tattoos and his too big dreams wasn’t enough anymore. Suddenly it was all about Hoseok and Kihyun found himself falling deeper and deeper day after day.

 

_Are you- is there someone, someone in your life?_

 

Kihyun’s mouth feels dry, the words coming out like pebbles, rough at the edges. He can’t imagine Changkyun with anyone else, no one else than himself, as selfish as it sounds. But he knows better than to think Changkyun would be waiting for him. Changkyun wasn’t silly enough to wait for an eternity because he knew that whenever Kihyun put his mind on something, he wouldn’t let go. That last big something for their relationship was Hoseok.

 

_No, not really right now. People come and go, you know. But nobody right now._

_That’s good too._

_Are you still living in the house he bought in the woods, hyung?_

_We do, yes. It’s quiet here._

Kihyun doesn’t know when he started being quiet. He used to be loud, so loud. He used to be guitar solos and screaming to his friend Jooheon at the drums. He used to be cheap beer and moaning until the neighbors were hearing them ever time Changkyun bit his neck, the both of them tangled on their cheap mattress.

Nothing makes too much sense anymore. Kihyun wonders where his former self is, if he’s left with Changkyun, somewhere at their dorm room, or the old garage their band used, or their university auditoriums with the uncomfortable chairs. He doesn’t know if it’s worth searching for it anymore.

 

_Did something happen? Why did you call?_

 

Kihyun decides to be honest, he is sure that Changkyun can see right through him anyway.

 

_Just wanted to hear your voice._

Kihyun’s voice breaks mid-sentence and maybe that’s the reason he blocked Changkyun’s number so many years ago. In an attempt to throw away all of his past, adapt to a life of luxury he thought he was for him. At the very moment, he would give everything to have a crate used as a chair and Changkyun’s morning voice singing off tune again.  He never thought that remembering would be so painful, but it feels as his bones are breaking and his heart is combusting.

 

_Does he treat you well?_

_He does, don’t worry._

_I always did. And I will always do._

It’s been eight years since he last saw Changkyun. He was a guest at Kihyun’s wedding. Standing there wearing a suit two times bigger than his size and gifting the couple –Kihyun, really- with his most prized possession. “I hope you’ll never forget how to play”. Those were Changkyun’s last words to Kihyun before they lost contact. The guitar is surely still somewhere in the house, tucked at the attic maybe and Kihyun wonders if his fingers still remember how he touched the chords. It used to be as easy and melodious as touching Changkyun’s body.

 

_Thank you for picking up the phone tonight._

Changkyun must be able to here the dedication in Kihyun’s voice, dedication to end the call and his words are laced with a bit of despair, he sounds breathless, as if he’s drowning and running out of time to get back to the surface and breathe.

 

_Hyung, I can give you my address,  
we can go for a coffee or something. _

_No, no, it’s alright._  
Thank you for talking to me tonight.   
I wish you the best, really. 

_Hyung?_

Kihyun takes a deep breath. Knows that there is no point in saying anything else. Not tonight.

_I miss you too, Changkyun._

Kihyun ends the call. He lets the tears flow freely, until his shirt is damp and his eyes hurt. The rain has stopped, the house is freezing and the fire has gone out. Even with him in the middle of the living room the house feels empty.

He falls asleep on the armchair that night, his dreams a tangled mess of memories, with Changkyun, with Hoseok, at his dorm room and at the wedding venue and then back at the old garage.

 

And when he wakes up he decides to do something, for once. Go and dig out the wedding presents from the attic, find the guitar that probably sounds way off by now. Learn to play his favorite songs again, for Hoseok.

And maybe someday he’ll build up the courage to call the number he has memorized again. Ask Changkyun to meet and teach him a new song.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
